Paws for thought…


“Know yourself. Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” – Ann Landers

This is Sailor Boy and he’s 10 weeks old here. ❤

“Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail. ” – Kinky Friedman

Advertisements

Letting go?

I have a family member that is supposed to be a major roll in my life. He’s not, nor has he ever been. He has fulfilled his other duties (if you will) but not when it came to his relationship with me.

I have spent all of my 38 years trying to get this person to love me, to give me attention, to nurture… just anything that this person was supposed to do (by definition of normal standards.)

I always was always the one who inevitably would give in and try to make amends after things would go wrong – and as much as I HATE doing that (probably because of how it always made me feel growing up) I still always did it.

As I got older,l I got more verbal with my issues about it and I got braver to say things I wouldn’t normally say, but it still never solved anything. I was always left with this sizable hole that will never be filled by this person.

This past weekend I saw this person and we got in to a HUGE screaming fight. I just can’t control my feelings, emotions when it comes to them. They have ALWAYS  made me feel stupid, or not relevant, just completely disregarded. I have threatened before to be done with them, but you know what is so not fair about this whole situation? If I decide to cut them out of my life – I suffer even more

I don’t really know why I’m kind of tip toeing around the fact that the person is  my dad. My parent’s are still married and from what I can tell, he’s been at least a decent husband to my mom. They have been married for 42 years now. There hasn’t been a day that I’ve been alive that there wasn’t at least some sort of tension.

I pay the price because if I decide to not be around him I won’t see my mom on Christmas, or Thanksgiving. It just doesn’t seem fair? Why? Why do I get the pain… AGAIN!?!

Is there ever a point at which the universe will say “OK, OK… enough is enough. Let’s find someone else to pick on…” 

My mom and I very close. I talk to her at least 17 times a day, whether that be facetime, text, call, or a combination of all three! But I haven’t spoken to her since I left their house on Saturday at the time of this fight. For us, that’s a big deal… a huge deal. She’s texted me every day and I just haven’t responded. It feels different this time. Like, I hate him, I really fucking hate him. (Please excuse my language.) 

I feel really numb. Sadly… Just, numb. Really, really numb.

It feels like the right time to say, I’m not letting you hurt me in this capacity anymore. I am removing myself from harms way to my mental health. It is really, really taking a toll on me. Until he understands (and he never will) – he’s making me feel the same way his mother/father made him feel; worthless, then nothing changes. And if nothing changes then nothing changes. 

Hurt people, hurt people.

Love

“Someday we will forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. We will finally realize that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. After all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran the race. So smile, laugh, forgive, believe and love all over again.” – Unknown

Ugh!

Does anyone else feel frustrated about the relationships they have with people and how they are treated? I mean, I know that no one is perfect and no one is going to be on their best behavior 110% of the time… but sheesh!  I recently had a situation come up where I have been training someone. (Painstakingly, I might add!) And this person has decided that despite their training that they would like to go rogue. Which, I do get – It is their prerogative… But I was trying to get the point across that you can’t (well, shouldn’t) just make up your own processes, so I said “Who told you to do it like that?” And they literally have ignored me since that moment… and that was well over a week ago. And I know it’s ignored because it was a call, chat, email and text that were all ignored.

Now, I’m 38 and I would never (and I do mean NEVER) ignore co-worker, boss, trainer. It’s a respect thing. I think this person thinks that because they are twice my age (no exaggeration) and because they have experience in an industry that is sort of like what we are in now (though all the rules are 110% different so it doesn’t really matter if the industry is similar or not.) I don’t know why but it’s really lighting a fire under my ass! LOL. I don’t want to feel so irritated by it but if I’m being truly honest – my brain is saying all kinds of things! Such as “two can play at that game!” or even “I’ll ignore them longer than they can ignore me!” or “Good riddance!” Now I’m just being petty like them!

I don’t want to feel that way, but I just… do. How do people become the bigger person because I’d like to become her. LOL.  I mean seriously… How do people get so enlightended and they can just let stuff like that roll right off their back? I know we aren’t supposed to let other people change the way we act – but hate that I have the feeling of “I’ll be damned if I’m going to let someone get something over on me!”


“For a tree to become tall it must grow tough roots among the rocks.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

I guess the first thing is just being aware right? Laaaaaawd give me the strength. 🙂

Momma

I honestly don’t even know where this is going to take me today. I have so much on my mind and in my heart. Neither my mom or myself are in good health. She’s my best friend. The thought of losing her, especially before her time, literally makes my heart stop beating.

Back in late September / early October my mom got the call that she was being referred to a Nephrologist, which, for those that don’t know – is a kidney specialist. She was diagnosed with stage III kidney failure, with only 52% function. I was stunned, but two years ago she became ill almost in an instant. She had developed bacterial meningitis, sepsis and ketoacidosis. All three of those things by themselves are fatal. She survived! But after so many months of multiple antibiotics – we were told that her body was really taking a hit. 

Thankfully, she is still here – but she’s different now. She struggles walking (she has terrible tremors), she had to retire from a job that she loved (cosmetologist) and she just doesn’t feel good. A lot.

I’m grateful for life saving medication. Don’t get me wrong, I just hate that it comes at the expense of damaging other parts of our bodies, while simultaneously helping others. That doesn’t seem right, does it? 

When she was hospitalized they discovered she had two tumors on her ovaries and told her that within two years she needed to have them surgically removed. When she was told f her kidney failure the Nephrologist had her go and get an ultrasound of her kidneys. They just called and said they got the results back and that they would go over them with her at her upcoming appointment… but that her uterus is enlarged and she needs to go and have that checked out. ASAP.

I feel a bit like “what else” could happen, but at the same time, I do not want to even whisper those words, for what if there is more… Mom and I love to be “Google” doctors, and of course that was the first thing we did and that was the worst thing we could have done!

“Individuals with kidney disease who are able to obtain treatment early experience a higher quality of life and are able to maintain more of their day-to-day activities, including keeping their jobs.” – Xavier Becerra

All I know right now is that I am not ready to lose my momma. I really am not. I’m only 38. Aren’t I supposed to be in my mid 60’s when it’s my mom’s time to go? that’s almost double my life of where I’m at now!

And just when I thought that things might calm down for us, I got the call that I was being referred to a Nephrologist. And that he wanted to see me, like now. 

I have stage IIII kidney disease, with only 24% function. 

Get your kidneys checked!

Do you even knit though?

So I’ve taken up knitting and have become a fanatic almost overnight. After numerous shopping trips I’ve now gotten about 39 skeins of yarn, 200 sets of knitting needles a couple of looms as well!

My grandma showed me how many moons ago, before she passed away. I was pretty young then and didn’t stick with it at all. I wish I had, but none the less, I picked it up pretty easy with just a YouTube video or two. I even found a “grandma” who had a few videos up! How cute is that?

My grandma showed me how many moons ago, before she passed away. I was pretty young then and didn’t stick with it at all. I wish I had, but none the less, I picked it up pretty easy with just a YouTube video or two. I even found a “grandma” who had a few videos up! How cute is that?

In the rhythm of the needle there is music for the soul. – Unknown

#goals

Isn’t this beautiful? I absolutely love the colors! I’m a pink girl myself… but definitely love teal, turqoise, grey and purple too! 

I really hope I can stick with it long enough to make a blanket. My grandma would be so proud if she was still here to witness it.

I also started cross stitching recently and I can still hear her saying that the back has to look as good as the front. Um… impossible! LOL. I don’t know how, but hers were always perfection!